Tend and Befriend

Every Friday afternoon from noon to one o' clock women in my community gather on the downtown street corners to stand in solidarity with Women in Black. Women in Black is a global movement of women who dress in black and stand in silent vigil to share the collective grief born of war, which is, of course, unspeakable.

Recently in our community, women dressed in white, and red, white and blue holding flags have shown up to demonstrate their support of war and our troops that they claim are protecting us far and wide. I once approached the first woman dressed in white who first began showing up. I recognized her as the dance teacher my daughters had when they were little. I wanted to know from her if she really thought war was the answer.

Through her contracted hostility, she sharply said, "Do you want bin Laden to come over here?" That was the end of our dialog. I felt a deep sadness in my heart and I couldn't help but feel her fear. She was really scared. No, I don't want bin Laden to come over here, I thought. But I don't think that killing people is the answer. I was not able to tell her that. The only thing I could manage to tell her was that I was sorry she had to be so hostile. Maybe that didn't help, but I really was sorry.

More women dressed in white have begun to appear. Now it feels like it's a black and white thing happening on the street corners. One of my friends stands with the women in white. I was shocked to see her there. I called her up and talked with her and said that I didn't want anything to come between us. She agreed and we told one another we loved each other and got off the phone. She had recently come to lend her support to my daughter and to me at the hospital when my oldest daughter was in a car accident. My kids were all friends with hers. We have all been friends for many years. But I don't understand her view. And I want to.

I said to her that if women can't talk, then there is no hope. She agreed. I asked her about her view. She said she was mainly walking with the woman in white because of how the men who stand with the women in black behave. Now I don't understand why there are men there anyway, but I thought her point of view was very interesting. She was commenting on the behavior of men. Once again I was hearing a woman speak about disrespectful male behavior. My friend said some men had cursed her.

I had to agree that any behavior like that was totally wrong, and yet, at the same time, I couldn't help but think about the contradiction of supporting men who were killing people in Afghanistan. Why isn't that totally wrong to her too? I haven't asked her about that yet. We have agreed to have lunch and discuss our views.

I have noticed that the honks from cars passing by supporting the women in white are usually men. I have felt very uncomfortable about this, as I have felt that these women in white are really supporting men to do their domination thing in the world, and in the face of that, I am not able to feel a sisterhood. I feel their alliance to the patriarchal male mind is a betrayal of their own female wisdom. And yet, my friend said to me that it will be women and children in the Middle East who will suffer if we don't help them . . . but isn't it always women and children who suffer the horrors of men's wars anywhere?

All of this has gotten me thinking about fierce compassion and wrathfulness. Patriarchy has "dicktated" that women should not be angry -- that we should be "lady-like" and behave ourselves according to the definitions of the controlling and dominating mind-set. So, do we know what women's anger looks like? My daughter and her friend shared with me what happened to them last night. They were in a bar and a very large male came up to them and began a lewd gyrating action of pelvic thrusting around them. My daughter and her friend told him to get out of their space. He called them terrible names and slimed them with his seething hatred of women, spouting things that my daughter said she had never heard before. At that point, my daughter's friend put her jacket down, very deliberately turned around and sent her fist flying into his chin, following that by another throw that caught his lip, which began to bleed. This was a very large man, mind you, and he towered over both women. He was indeed, taken aback. So much so, that after he calmed down, he apologized.

I thought long and hard about this. I am non-violent. However, I am reminded of a teaching that I read once in a book of Buddhist spirituality, written by a woman. Two women summoned a rickshaw after an event and just as the driver was letting them off, he began to grab after one of the women. They pulled away somehow, and ran. The next day they went back to their retreat and went to the Buddhist teacher and told her of the event. They both felt very bad, as they felt they had lost their compassion for this man. The teacher told them that should that happen again, they should gather all the mercy and compassion they could muster and beat that man with their umbrella. I feel this is a teaching about wrathful compassion -- creating a boundary that speaks loud and clear, which is not done out of malice.

Later that day, after hearing this story, I went for a walk with my friend and she told me a very interesting thing. She asked me if I had heard about the women who had written a book, the title of which I don't know, about oxytocin and their research that shows women, in times of facing danger or extreme stress, are inclined towards what the authors name "tend and befriend", instead of towards the well-known "fight or flight". I said that I hadn't heard, but that I was very interested. She said that in these times the authors have said that women will tend to gather the children and befriend one another, or tend towards that reality. I realized that the "fight or flight" notion we have all been taught is based on what men do. And then I thought about my daughter and her friend. I don't think they were in a fight or flight mode. They felt the need to speak the language of the invasive, entitled male who was harassing them. It wasn't about fight. It was about establishing a boundary in the only language he could hear.

Now, what kind of world would it be if that man could learn to speak the language of women, who would rather tend and befriend? My daughter and her friend tried that -- tending to themselves and clearly and calmly telling him what they needed. He didn't listen, so they spoke his language, which he understood.

As for the women in white on the street corner, I don't feel a "tend and befriend" response from them towards the women in black, but rather a kind of response that contributes to division and separation..While I understand what my friend has told me about her not liking what the men have said to her, that is, once again, about men, not about women.

It is my prayer that women will be able to come together and find our "tend and befriend" ways together, create a new (old) way of being and find the peace that is so desperately needed on this planet. One thing is for sure. Peace will not happen until women's voices are heard around the globe in a unifying singular voice for peace, which may entail stopping the continued cry for war from the patriarchal mind-set (PMS) in a way that that voice can hear -- not by violence, but by fierce and wrathful compassion.

Leslie McIntyre is a "shemama," a practicing mama shamanic healer who lives and works in Sebastopol. She is one of the founding members of Awakened Woman's Circle and is now at work on a new non-profit, Women of the Earth (WE). This page is her monthly offering. She can be reached by e-mail.